Westward, ho!

Lord Almighty, what a show!

If you stayed inside tonight, all warm and cozy and lame, then you missed one hell of a spectacle! This evening was the opening party for the Edwardian Ball at the DNA Lounge with Hubba Hubba’s Wild West Burlesque! There were knives flying, guns shooting, Tugboat the Buffalo, tassels twirling and corsets, corsets, corsets! All lovingly and rambunctiously rounded up by our own Colonel Kingfish. My kind of night

I’m just an old carny at heart, so I’m ALWAYS excited to see the Gypsy Cowboys. I dig people that cultivate amazing skills like old sideshow; hell, I just take my clothes off in front of strangers for fun….and while that certainly takes bravery, it’s still different than standing there looking pretty while Molotov hurls knives at your head. Using a bullwhip to snap a balloon out of a lovely ladies’ mouth? Tremendous! Then strapping her to the Wheel of Fortune, spinning her like a top and lobbing blades at her head? Stupendous! You guys can keep your Tivos and Hulus, I’ll be at the Hubba Hubba Revue.

A few notable faces in the audience tonight were the lovely Miss Pearl E. Gates, Pickles Kintarro, folks from KofyTv and  the fantastic Laika Fox. That’s what’s really awesome about the Go-Go boxes: you can see for miles! One of the most dee-lightful surprises tonight was DJ Fact.50! I enjoyed the hell out of all the awesome, obscure and old-timey jams he was playing, and so did all the little Go’s.

I was bouncing all over the lounge tonight, and if you were allowed backstage wouldn’t you do the same? I swear, it’s all nakedness and pillow fights and free beer and bubble baths back there….well, almost. Secret, sexy (and imaginary) playtime aside I will say one of my favorite acts was the scintillating Siamese Twin fan dance performed by Mynx d’Meanor and Comrade Tang. Yes, Sparkly Devil, we all love cute Asian girls…..and yes, they were so cute I wanted to “make a noise like Mariah Carey fucking a dolphin”. And there’s another visual to add to the catalog of weird crap that pops into my head at inopportune moments…

Did anyone else never notice how Lee Presson looks just like Edgar Allen Poe, even on a normal day? So, Lee dressing up as “drunken Edgar Allen Poe with a gun” was pretty much icing on the cake. And, guns don’t kill people, Lee Presson does. Well, not intentionally but that cap gun did go flying once or twice.

And, if you didn’t come out tonight you missed CanCan Bijou! You only get a few chances to see them each year,(Dicken’s Faire, Edwardian Ball etc.) and they are always something to see. Pretty girls high-kicking their skirts up with ruffly knickers is just plain old good clean fun. And something I’ve never seen before are the 2 FELLAS in the group! Bad. Ass. And these chums kick their heels up AND do the splits just like the gals. Equal opportunity, that’s what we like here in San Francisco!

Gracious, what a great start to the Edwardian Ball weekend! But, my dogs are barkin’ and my wagon is draggin’ kiddies, so it’s off to bed for Whendy and time to say her prayers…

….god bless Kingfish and Eddie (wherever he is). And god bless double-sided carpet tape and drink tickets, and god bless Dark Garden and all the little glittery deviants that came out tonight. Amen.

XOX,

Whendy

Ah, flashback 2 years ago to Edwardian Ball 2009…this picture makes me want some Absinthe.

Photo by Green La Fleur

Holy Hell, it’s 2012!

Gadzooks kids! I swear it was just October, where has the time gone?

Anyway, all tomfoolery aside, 2012 has started out with all sorts of surprises. And if those crazy Mayans were right, then we only have about 11 months to make this one count.

I’ve just shaken off all the glitter and settled in after the amazingly rambunctious Taboo Burlesque show with Bombshell Betty and Fromagique! The only thing that was missing was our favorite Dude in a Dress: Patina DeCopper! Our poor Patina was taken ill this afternoon and couldn’t blow his horn. Sad face. And, as Randy says,” MC-ing alone is like having sex alone: you need to get off as soon as possible.” Although we were missing our darling trumpeter and co-MC, I think Randy was wonderful (as always) and didn’t recite ONE poop joke! I must admit, I was surprised.

The best part about having the theme of “Taboo” for a burlesque show is that everyone is free to bust out their most unusual and raunchy numbers. I’m sorry, but if I could start every year with Vadge O’Fonnor dressed as a nun dancing to “How do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” with a vibrator and a picture of Jesus; I would be a happy girl. This was also the most dildo-heavy show I’ve seen as well, count ‘em: 3! Well, if the Mayans are right and our days are numbered….and if Heaven and Hell really exist…then I will be sizzling in Hell amidst the greatest and most sparkly company.

Like me, Laura Borealis has been on a bit of a “burlesque hiatus”, and it was tremendous to see her again tonight! Miss Borealis is the performer that always puts me to shame. Just when you think she can’t top herself, that bitch comes out blindfolded and does half her act blind! BAD ASS. And if you’ve never seen her do her Tetris act, you better come to every show until she brings it back. For reals, people.

Also, in the audience were some of my favorite performers/supporters that I haven’t seen for some time: Violet Streak, Alexis Natasha Borelli, Yve Jobs and Cookie Crumbles! It’s always awesome to see familiar faces in the audience, especially if they are folks that know how to heckle the pants off Randy. Also, an incredible matter of interest: our own Alexis Borelli and her podcast “Love and Sex with Lex” has been noticed by the one and only PLAYBOY! They will be doing a pilot for Playboy, and then possibly get syndicated! Find her on Facebook and stay tuned for the Burlesque Episode!

When talking about Taboo and good old fashioned raunch, it’s impossible not to mention the dazzling Red Velvet. This gal doesn’t need any theme to get her naughty jollies on, that’s just how our Velvet rolls. Has anyone ever performed a more classic and graceful fan dance….with a rhinestone strap-on? How about a routine about an old witch who reclaims her beauty by eating the heart of an infant? Nope. Just our Velvet, and she wows us every time.

Thank goodness DANGerous Delilah was there! Her S&M act is always something to see, and I actually had the song stuck in my head all day in anticipation of seeing it. We never tire of watching Delilah peel liquid latex of herself, do we? No poppets, we never do! And where would we be without Bombshell Betty, the cutest and creepiest Grandpa you’ve ever seen? (Yeah, you’re sorry you missed that one.)  And did you check out that peplum? One more time, for Vadge: PEPLUM!!

Well, you have one more chance to see this show! Next Monday night at 10pm at the Uptown in Oakland you can catch some Taboo burlesque, don’t miss it! Gracious cherubs, 2012 is feeling pretty great. New Years Eve was a fantastic speakeasy party with Cherry Chapstick, then the Hubba Hubba Revue on the 2nd and now Taboo Burlesque. My only resolution is to set eyes on all your sparkling faces more often!

See you in a dark corner at the Burly-Q

XOX,

Whendy

P.S.  Thanks to Red Velvet and Eric for the endless kindness, and thanks to Randy for always getting a girl home safe

Summer Lovin’….had me a blast.

Well, hello Cherubs!

What can I say? I am apparently terrible at keeping up with my writing! So sorry to keep you all waiting.

Summer, summer, summer. And it’s almost over! We’ve had some great shows though, huh? Bombshell Betty’s Tropical Adventure show was a hoot! The July Haute House show was amazing, Pearl E. Gates’s grape stomping act and Laura Borealis’ Tetris Act changed my life, I swear. And, you’re all just in time for the 2nd installment of our Hollywood show which will be happening tomorrow night at the Uptown, 10pm! To check out some amazing pictures, go to my fella’s Flicker site Rip Van Wolf Photography.

Other highlights? Well, I helped rock the Catalyst in Santa Cruz with Surf City Burlesque! Myself, DANGerous Delilah, Fina Fatale, Vadge O’Fonnor and our delectable Tasty Temptress certainly gave the old SC something to talk about that night. I also attended Randy Johnson’s (the Pastie Guy) first ever Pastie Workshop! I learned some of his awesome trade secrets and had a blast crafting with  the gals. (Betty also taught us some AWESOME tricks for working with rhinestones!) I highly recommend taking the workshop if you want to learn to make professional-looking and sturdy pasties! Check out www.bombshellbetty.net for future workshops.

I’m spending this Sunday with a bottle of champagne, (and some OJ, for the vitamin C you know), cleaning house physically and mentally. Things are getting all shook up again at the If-N’ household. My dear friend, the incredible Aimee Plant, has just concluded a visit to SF for the first time in 2 years and her absence is once again giving me the blues. But, whether near or far, great friends are always great to have, no?

Also, my roommates are moving out! Goodness, gracious me, as good old Bobby Dylan once said: “The times, they are a changin”. We’re now on the look out for some roomies who are cat lovers and don’t mind glitter being a part of their daily life. Let’s just say, I’m optimistic.

And, speaking of glitter, there are some tremendous things on the horizon. I’m working on a script for a short film Bombshell Betty and I have been talking about FOREVER. It’s working title is “Glitter Addicts”, and it promises to be hilarious! I’ve got some new acts in the works, but they’ll have to be on hold until November….because I’m in a play going up in October! My incredible and rowdy friends, the Primitive Screwheads, are getting ready for ShEvil Dead Live! A reincarnation of our first show, Evil Dead Live, but with an all female cast! Keep your ears open for a bloody fun time

I’m also pleased as punch to announce that I will be performing at Viva Las Vegas next spring with my pals, Los Shimmy Shakers! And on my birthday, as well. I suppose I can only expect another vicious spanking like last year *wince*.  Either way, I’m terribly excited and hope to see ya’ll there!

Along with all my performance life, I’m trying to figure out what to do with my career. If burlesque could be my end-all be-all money maker (unlikely) I would be on it like white on rice. But, again unlikely. I’m trying to decide if I should be: a) a nurse of some sort, b) an English teacher, c) a Vet. But, if I became an English teacher, would I have to give up burlesque? I’m assuming most parents would be pissed upon finding out that their child’s teacher shakes her stuff during off hours. But, knowing myself, I would be even more over-come as a veterinary doctor, crying more than any pet-owner when their animal is sick. All I know is that theatre can’t pay my bills….and retail makes me want to poison people. So, with this seemingly large continental shift in my life, I’m attempting to “accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative”.  And all that.

I’m watching “Gypsy”, because I find that Rosalind Russell inspires me to kick life in the pants. Ever seen “The Women”? With Norma Shearer, Rosalind Russel and Joan Crawford? Now that’s a great film. Sing it, Rosalind! Tell me all about it! I’ll be swell, I’ll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate! And hopefully that plate will also be holding Aurora Borealis Rhinestones and a million dollars. We’ll see, shall we?

I swear to the heavenly spirit of Lili St. Cyr that I will be better with my writing, so as to keep you from such insane up-dates. Amen!

XOX,

Whendy

These are a few of my favorite things….

Hot diggity damn!

What a couple of months! This ol’ Whendy here has been working her sparkly little tukus off since April 1st and things are finally about to wind down. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a tech-theatre nerd and often work as a Stage Manager/props designer.  I’ve been working on A Most Notorious Woman at the EXIT, and we’re about to wrap up on the 28th. It’s a great show, about Grace O’Malley who was an Irish pirate queen in the 1500′s. We have shows Thursday-Saturday this week @ 8pm at the EXIT, the cross streets are Eddy and Taylor. But, the thing about theatre, is that you’re on lock down at night which pretty much cancels out alot of burlesque opportunities.

Can I say how absolutely disappointed I am that I couldn’t go to the Lagunitas Beer Festival with Fromagique  and the girls? I’ve actually been rather depressed about it as well. Do you ever get the feeling that if you’re out of the scene for too long that people will move on and forget about you? A silly feeling, I know, but it happens. Plus the irritating idea of your dumb day job keeping you from doing what you love.

Let’s just say, Green has had to listen to me bitch about it for around a month.

But, Whendy is back!! With May coming to a close, I will finally be back on the stage!! And, I’m terribly excited about the return of Bombshell Betty’s Haute House Burlesque at Milk Bar on Haight. I’m literally itching to take my top off in front of strangers…is that weird?

So, here I sit with a glass of cheap wine in hand, finally feeling satisfied and excited about shows to come because I can actually take part! And since I’ve been so pessimistic and down-hearted of late, I’m going to make a list of things that make me feel happy as a clam in seaweed:

In no particular order….

-Sally Hansen Studio 35 Bare Legs Spray. It seriously makes your legs look like you’re wearing stockings, without a weird fake tan effect. And covers my bruises…..’cuz I’m clumsy.

-Piedmont Boutique on Haight. They have some beautiful pasties in the back, and they can make anything they have in the store for you in whatever color/fabric you want! They’ve made me some awesome shimmy skirts, fur bikinis etc.

-Bombshell Betty and Randy Johnson. Is it too crazy sounding to say that they saved my life? Well, they did, in a sense. They saved me from living unsatisfied and in fear, they saved me from thinking that I had no business standing in a spotlight and embracing my body.

-Fantastico’s on 6th street. Need I say more? I need to check and see if they have fake turkeys….

-The Vintage Hairstyling book by Lauren Rennells, it has awesome step-by step instructions and with it I’ve learned to do Bumper Bangs and I’ve almost got finger-waves conquered!

-Sweet Green. The only man I’ve ever known who will clean the litter box, make whatever dinner his crazy girlfriend has asked for, rub shoulders, scrub off stitches drawn on in Sharpie, indulge my parents and be constantly covered in glitter with no complaint. He. Is. The. BEST.

-Cheap wine. Clearly.

-All the amazing women I’ve met through burlesque. I’ve never met more creative, resourceful, funny and smart women!

So much to be grateful for, and I’m REALLY looking forward to getting back into the burlesque-saddle again!

Next on the agenda are:

-Haute House Burlesque THIS THURSDAY, the 26th at Milk bar! Come see some of your favorite Burlesqueteers shake it at a new monthly show! (I won’t be dancing, but I will be there!)

-Los Shimmy Shakers at Cellspace on June 2nd!! I’ll be shakin’ it at this one

So, goodnight cherubs, I hope to see you at the Burly-Q!

XOX Whendy

Photo by Green La Fleur

Alas, alack….

Heaven’s to Betsy!

Once again, ol’ Whendy here was thwarted by technology. I wrote an entry right after the 2nd Monty Python Show, and it wouldn’t publish! I hit Save a million times, but there was no saving. I also have a busted laptop with a shattered screen so….I’m ghetto like that. Ah well, it was an amazing entry and we shall have to just go on without it. Needless to say, the Monty Python show, (both of them), were epic. I woke up once again, still stained with fake blood, so you know it was a good time.

Also recent notable nights were the Mardi Gras party at Kinky Salon. And yes, it was We Fromagique-d the hell out of them! It was packed to capacity and they all sat down like good little boys and girls ready for a story. A dirty one.  Bombshell Betty, Red Velvet, Dangerous Delilah, Cinnamon Stick, Mistress Marla Spanks and myself had a blast. And drank all the Love Potion #9, which was a horrible idea…Violet Streak made a cameo appearance as our diligent, sexy Ring Master All in all, a lovely way to spend a rainy night.

I recently go-go’d at the DNA for the Hubba Hubba Revue’s 90′s Show, which was hilarious, as I’m sure you can imagine. All of us on Team Go were dressed as the Anarchy Cheerleaders from the “Smells like Teen Spirit” music video. We had Fly Girls and Wayne and Garth….sadly, it was the first show without our usual co-host Eddie Dane He was such an important part of the scene, and he is missed.

And I’m betting he would have loved what might’ve been my favorite act of the night: Ruby White doing a strip tease to “Candle in the Wind” dressed in a voluminous wedding gown….with blood and gore all down the front of her. The song changes to Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana” and…let me say I was howling. I’m sorry, I’m sorry we all know I’m a morbid freak and that just isn’t going to change any time soon. Kara Nova did some amazing stunts on her pole, dressed as Leeloo from The Fifth Element. And no, not those “pole tricks”, way better ones! Aerialist circus performers kick ass! The next Hubba extravaganza is April 22nd, 9pm at the DNA Lounge for their San Francisco Show! And you know who else will be there? Betty and Fromagique! Also, the lovely and recently graduated Burlesqueteers will be making an appearance

“What’s on your calendar next, Whendy?” I know you’re all breathlessly waiting. Well, this Sunday the 3rd at the Milk Bar on Haight St. there shall be a Japan Relief Fundraiser Show! It makes me smile to see how often I find fellow peelers on the Fundraiser roster. We are such a giving bunch! So, this Sunday, April 4th at the Milk Bar on Haight @8:30pm the Japan Quake Benefit. All donations are going to the Red Cross! Come out and help us shake it for a good cause! And I have it on good authority that two amazing ladies will also be there, Red Velvet and Miss DANGerous Delilah, so you really shouldn’t miss this!

I don’t know about ya’ll, but April was a crazy month before it even started. My April was booked about a week ago!

Tomorrow night, April 2nd back at the lovely Uptown is Cabaret Perilous! Always full of thrills and chills, daredevils, side show and burlesque, it’s my kind of show Doors at 9pm, and only $10!

Whew! This is what I get for not being on top of the writing! Other places you need to be are at The Uptown on April 8th ( my birthday!!) at 9pm for Los Shimmy Shakers! Great music, always a hoot, and there’s always dancing girls! The following night, April 9th I’ll be dancing with them at Benders Bar at 10pm! It is their CD release party and we got Pickles Kintarro, Bootsie La Rue, Red Velvet and myself there to entertain! I’ll be there having fun and you should too!

April 12th at the Elbo Room is the Too Many F@*%$# Bunnies Show, and there are some amazing spring time treats in store! We’ll be bunny-hoppin’ (while scantily clad) all over that joint and the solo debuts of the Intensive 1 graduates are gonna knock you socks off!

One last notable note: April 16th at the Bettie Page Store on Haight Street, the Legendary Tempest Storm will be there from 12-5pm doing a free signing! The ‘girl with the 40′ plus bust’ will be there in person and I can’t wait to talk to her! Maybe she’ll show us a trick or two Also, I work there and I have a whole ton of fliers for this event which includes a 20% off coupon, come find me if you want some

Ok, children: I, Miss If-N’-Whendy, vow to write more promptly after shows so the topics are still relevant and not too many! Now, time for dinner and cat wrangling with Sweet Green

See you at the Burly-Q!

Whendy

 

 

*Yawn*

Hello guys and dolls!

This post is going to be rather mellow, seeing as my wagon is seriously draggin’.

What a week! I feel as if I’ve been in a whirly-gig of glitter and girls! Our last show for February was this past Tuesday at the beautiful Uptown Club in Oakland. It was one of those relaxing Monday nights where everything is going (mostly) to plan, a place for every pastie and every pastie in its place.  In short, it’s the second show of the month and all the girls seem much less stressed. I was there for a cameo role in Red Velvet and Lezzie McFaggerson’s duet, so I was literally the embodiment of “cool, calm and collected”. Not even a costume change to think of! Ahhhhh….

There were a few performer cancellations, c’est la vie, but the girls rallied (as always!) and the audience loved it. Especially Violet Streak’s friends, who are a very appreciative and rowdy bunch, which I totally dig. Although, Jameson and Peanut Butter the “burlesque service doggies” weren’t there, and you know how I love canines that don’t mind glitter or cat calls!

A rather notable moment was when, since we were lacking any audience birthdays, Randy hollered at Green (my photographer beau) to get his ass on stage and strip! And the best part is Sweet Green didn’t bat an eye! He hopped right up on that stage and went for it, though I’m pretty sure he would do almost anything Randy asked him to….and for that I am permanently alarmed. Ah, Brothers in Perversion.

Sweet Green said, “I didn’t know what to do near the end.”  To which I replied, as you can guess, “Shake it! You forgot to shake it!” But he did wonderfully, he’s clearly been paying attention, we just need to work on that flat-chested shimmy! What a good sport!

Next up on the calendar is our March Monty Python Show! It’s going to be out of control and I expect to see all your butts in those seats! We have Silly Walks, Spankings, a very “Meaningful” fan dance, my troupe of Lumberjacks and a very bloody scary bunny….so, this is obviously going to be EPIC.  That show is next Tuesday, March 1st at the Elbo Room 9pm! Be there or be square!

Also, on my extensively booked calendar is tomorrow night at the Castro Theatre! They are showing “China Town” at 7pm and then” L.A. Confidential” around 9. Green and I are going to get our Noir on, maybe we’ll see you there!

Hello Children!

The Nefarious Miss If-N’-Whendy here!

Greetings, Cats and Kittens! I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, actually. But, being technologically inept it’s taken ol’ Whendy a damn long time to figure out .  As usual, Bombshell Betty lit a fire under my ass!  I am currently enrolled in Bombshell Betty’s Intensive 1 class and one of our assignments was to start an “internet presence” for ourselves. I already have a Facebook page, (“Like” me. DO IT.), so Betty said I should start up a blog.

Anyway! Welcome to the blog of If-N’-Whendy!  Your one-stop-shop for chills, thrills and laughs (I hope).  Consider this blog as your Drunken Burlesque Society Column. I’ll tell you about awesome events on our raunchy calendar, crafty how-to’s, what shows I went to, who was there, what they wore and how they took it off.

And this is where I say this blog is rated M for Mature. I fully plan on swearing, I can’t possibly be asked to contain myself. And, I’m a burlesque performer. If breasts offend you, STOP READING NOW!

I say “Society Column”, not “Petty-Bitchy-Gossip-McMean Pants” Column. Yes, I have my own spectacular brand of wit and sarcasm and I do consider myself to be a “shit talker”, but never tearing down the amazing men and women of this delightful underground that we inhabit. Unless it’s someone like that guy Randy kicked out of the Uptown that one time. I will talk smack about you if you’re a creeper.

I digress, as usual. I’ve seen so many amazing acts at different Burlesque shows around the city; from girls twirling hoops to guys eating glass; and I want to share them all with YOU! And when possible I will include links to websites or events and performers in order to show you what incredible live theatre you need to go see! Turn off your TV, come have a drink and check out some of the best entertainment in San Francisco! And then read my blog to see what you missed or whether you were mentioned

See you at the Burly-Q!

Whendy